Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
