God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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