my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
