Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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