I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
