just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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