it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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