I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Randomize
