One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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