If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
