OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
