My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
