I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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