i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
