More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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