Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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