Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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