Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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