I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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