so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
