history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
