So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
he was CRYING into my vagina
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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