I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
