guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
