When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
So. Much. Porn.
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