I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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