This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
