the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
