if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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