My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize