By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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