Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize