just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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