I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize