Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
