WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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