Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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