I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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