fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I met the friendliest cop last night
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize