yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
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