How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
