Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
