Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
