So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Randomize
