please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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