My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
this beer tastes like vomit already
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
