fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
