Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
