Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
