I am puke
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
