i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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