its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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