Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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