Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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