watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Randomize
