If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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