Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
