I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
