Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Randomize
