Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
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