pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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