Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
