There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize