remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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